my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
