babies were throwing up all over the place
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
