It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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