I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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