She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
