I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
