I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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