I accidentally had phone sex last night
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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