just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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