all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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