U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
