just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
