I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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