Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We are all done wearing pants today
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
