so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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