three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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