If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
