I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
