I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
