Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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