as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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