My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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