Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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