Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's shark week go big or go home
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
