I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
