he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
