So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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