do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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