Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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