meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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