Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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