spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
