I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
