Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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