dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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