Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
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