This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
