i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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The feeling are messing with the penis
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".