At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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