Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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