fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
