the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
