I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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