I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
