ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if only i could text you this smell
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
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Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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