she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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