i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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