guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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