My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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