u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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