planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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