the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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