watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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