This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
