she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
