We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
