My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize