I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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