I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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